Good lights

included garland expanded on the wooden floorAndrei Yarashevich/Shutterstock

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

“Great,” she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.” Memorize these 15 silly holiday jokes that will crack up all your party guests.

Stop the presses

Stack of folded newspapers in front of a black background with copy spaceThinglass/Shutterstock

These holiday “headlines”—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.

• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings

• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year

• Book Given as Gift Actually Read

Hiding the presents

Two Christmas giftboxes in red paper wrapped with colorful ribbons composed on white background.Valeria Aksakova/Shutterstock

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot: the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.

When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”